Day ??? - No Time

I sense a growing discontent with things, and I'm not sure why.  I thought I wanted companionship, so I sought and found companions.  This has not really improved things so much as made for some drama-filled experiences.  I have also experimented with indulgence.  I got wasted this weekend with friends and partied to my limit, but it brought me no lasting peace.  Perhaps pouring myself into my job will help things.  Ha!  Nope, that never works.

Regardless of what I do, there is an emptiness that I cannot seem to fill.  Additionally, I have found myself contemplating my mortality more than usual.  Nothing good ever comes of this, but it seems that I cannot avoid it forever.  We will all be dust in the blink of an eye, and we will never be here again.  There is nothing after this, and I find no solace in the fairy tales we tell ourselves to sleep better at night.

In spite of all of this, I continue my quest for happiness.  I think that, perhaps, the only real point in life is survival.  The rest is immaterial.  The question remains, "where do I devote my time and efforts?"  Do I give up everything for a fresh start, or do I just focus on one or more areas of my life in the hopes that they prove a worthy distraction?

Days 9-12: Jet Lag

Days 9-10

 

Days 9 and 10 were huge travel days (Thursday and Friday). My first flight from SFO got delayed due to a mechanical failure, so I had to spend the night in Denver. This sounds great until you realize that there's a blizzard and you're getting in at 9-10 PM. On the bright side, I was in Denver! It's an amazing city, especially in the summer. Lots of good eats and nice people. The hotel was very comfortable - best bed I have ever slept on for sure.

 

Day 10.5

 I didn't really plan to go out Friday night, but Jon managed to talk me into it. We went to the Urban Chestnut, a new brewery that a mutual friend works at. They have a number of tasty beers, but my favorite is "Myth". It's an exceptionally smooth and flavorful dark beer. I could drink it all day! Anywhoo, Jon and I played every game we could think of in the bar. We played cards (which he killed me at), chess (which I killed him at), and darts (which we broke about even at).


Eventually, his friend Chris showed up and offered to bring a couple of girls over to his place if we wanted to party. Of course, we accepted the invitation. By the time we got to Jon's it was already really late, and I was tired. Finally, Chris arrives with one really pretty girl (which he has dibs on) and this other girl. My interest wasn't really peaked, so I decided to bail and get some sleep for a change. :) It was definitely the best decision I made that night.

Day 11-12

 

Saturday was filled with bar hopping and watching The Wizard of Oz to the tune of The Dark Side of the Moon.  Thanks for all the crazy times, Pink Floyd!  Of note - we checked out the Twisted Olive.  I've been fascinated by it ever since I first laid eyes on it.  This has to be the most inaccesible bar I've ever seen.  Go up the hidden stairwell three flights, walk across the upper catwalk, and you will find the door to the Twisted Olive.  Unfortunately, it turned out to be a very smokey and loud bar.  It was very small with an older demographic.  We decided not to stay.  The evening concluded with watching Hot Fuzz.  I suppose it was for the greater good.  ;)

Sunday was filled with eating, sleeping and gaming.  You know, the usual.  Hope you enjoyed this week's installment of my crazy life.  Cheers!

Days 7-8: Celebrations

Apologies for not posting more pictures.  I left the cord that hooks my phone up to my computer at home.  The picture above is from a triple work birthday party on Tuesday.  As a gag gift, my boss got this co-worker a sash and fake mustache (he didn't have to wear the mustache through dinner).  We got a lot of good laughs out of it!  Birthday dinner was held at an elegant establishment called "Uncle Yuu's".  (The name is a bit deceiving, but it really was nice.)  I had beef tenderloin medallions and beautiful orange prawns.  There was wine, smiles, and combat over the lazy susan that held our appetizers.  All in all, it was pretty amazing.

Also, I have a bit of good news.  The doctor completed his tests on my grandpa and found that he is 100% cancer free.  My family and I are breathing a collective sigh of relief.  Big thanks to everyone who expressed their concern.  :)

In the work world, I started my first week of training (ever).  Most of my class sizes have been small, but I've really enjoyed interacting with the workers and bringing them up to speed on how to use our software.  We bribe them to pay attention with candy.  :)  I find it highly effective when I don't eat all the good ones myself.

Tonight, I ate dinner with my friend Toni and her fiancee.  We went to a new place called Sushi Station where the tea was luke warm (but tasty), and the sushi was decent.  In terms of value for our dollar, I think we did fairly well.  It was also neat to learn about the goings on at Toni's work.  She has a cool opportunity coming up, and I'm excited for her.

When I finally got back to the hotel, I joined my co-workers in a game of "Cards Against Humanity".  It's like the messed up adult version of Apples to Apples.  Best of all, the game is relatively free.  It costs about $6 to print the cards at Kinkos.  You can download it here.

Lastly, my romantic life is still going pretty slow again (not the worst thing ever).  I did manage to patch up some hurt feelings with one of my ex's, which makes me happy.  Hopefully, we continue to make forward progress as we get to know each other again.

I was remarking to my friend John that I'm starting to feel like the old, light-hearted Lancifer is rising to the surface again...long overdue in my opinion.  It's really hard telling where tomorrow will take me, but this week has been a good start to what could be some vast improvements in the quality of my life.

Well, it's time for a  little sleep.  I'll catch you all later.

Days 5-6: Conflict

I continue to consider who it is I want to be.  I realized today that I am a very uncompromising person.  I tried to be uncompromising in terms of truth, but I've come to think that truth is often detrimental.  When someone asks how you are, a lot of times you should probably tell them, "Good," even if you're not.  I think that negativity tends to build on itself, and sometimes it's worth the lie to be happy.  I will continue to consider this throughout the week. 

Instead of my normal pictures and spiel, I'd like to post this music video and lyrics.  They seem to capture the struggle I'm having with happiness versus becoming the ideal version of myself.  It's like the voice inside my head cheering me on.  ;)

When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, "Son, when you grow up
Would you be the savior of the broken
The beaten and the damned??

He said, "Will you defeat them
Your demons and all the non-believers
The plans that they have made?
Because one day, I'll leave you
A phantom to lead you in the summer
To join the Black Parade"

Sometimes I get the feeling
She's watching over me
And other times I feel like I should go
And through it all, the rise and fall
The bodies in the streets
And when you're gone we want you all to know

We'll carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
And in my heart, I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it

And while that sends you reeling
From decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all

So paint it black and take it back
Let's shout out loud and clear
Do you fight it to the end?
We hear the call to carry on, we'll carry on

And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
You're weary widow marches

On and on we carry through the fears
Disappointed faces of your peers
Take a look at me
Cause I could not care at all
Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Though you try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part

Won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it's only

I'm just a man, I'm not a hero
Just a boy who wanna sing his song
Just a man, I'm not a hero
I don't care!

We'll carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, you'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
You're weary widow marches on
Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Though you try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
(We'll carry on)

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Though you try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
(We'll carry on)

Days 4-5: When It Rains It Pours

(My buddy Jason messing with Popeyes workers)

(My Friday night diet - chips and juice)

I had an epiphany today.  I don't miss Jenny (romantically).  Sure, I miss having someone close that I can confide in and take comfort in, but I don't specifically miss her.  I think that is an important distinction to make.  I hope that she gets done soon with whatever she's doing to move on with her life.  I'd like to re-establish our friendship if possible.

My quest to get whatever I want whenever I want has been put on hold temporarily.  I found out today that my grandpa has a mass on his stomach and is getting it checked out on Monday.  The doctors suspect cancer, but that remains to be seen.  For those of you who don't know, my grandpa is among my top two role-models and a very important person to me.  I know that he is getting old and that his days are numbered, but I don't like acknowledging that he is mortal.  It's like Lex Luthor actually killing Superman.  You just don't think about it.

Regardless of how things work out, I have a lot of great memories from the time I've spent with my Grandpa.  I guess that's the most important thing.

On a side note, I've resolved to talk up one stranger per day (as opportunities present themselves).  On my plane flight back, I met a lady from Spokane, WA.  She was flying with her youngest of six children.  The family resemblance was uncanny; every detail from their long slender noses to bright ginger hair were identical.  I learned that she grew up in Arizona but didn't do much sightseeing when she lived there.  She hasn't even seen the Grand Canyon, which made me laugh.  Her husband is a mechanical engineer from the University of Idaho.  He did not ride with them, though.  We shared a lot of other conversation, but I don't want to bore you with the details.

Well, back to science.  Toodles!

Day 3 - My Dichotomy: There Can Be Only One

Stare at the sun too long, and all you get is burned. 

I think life is telling me to just do whatever the fuck I want all the time without regard to consequences, morals, etc.  I am rewarded when I do selfish things and punished otherwise. 

Today, Jenny decided to give up again.  Even though I'm fairly okay with that, I still have some feelings for her...so today sucks a little.  This is what I get for trying to have a normal, healthy, sustained relationship.  On the other hand, my lecherous, pure fun relationship is going strong.  There is no challenge.  I can get pretty much anything I want at any time, so I need to decide whether I'm giving up on the good guy in me for a while or not.  Being the good guy just doesn't seem to pay off.

*thinks a moment*

...No, my mind is made up.  The human brain is a complex pattern recognition machine.  We experience patterns and develop heuristics for life that serve our interests.  In my case, trying to be what I would consider a decent person leads to heartache, disappointment, and the dulling of my emotions.  Perhaps it's time to put that person I was aspiring to be to rest.  Life demands that I be a little more self-interested and a lot more manipulative (for lack of a better word).  So be it.  Tomorrow begins a new experiment.  It's time to get what I want when I want it and by any means necessary.  Some of you might see this as a dark road, but I see it as...realistic.  I'll keep you posted.

Day.....2? - Resurrection

Well, it's been a while since I blogged, but I think I remember how this works.  Allow me to catch you up.

• Romantic life - I'm currently dating Jenny from Springfield and a girl named Maggie from St. Louis.  I'm not as crazy about Jenny as I was before, but I think this is a good opportunity to try having a normal sustained adult relationship.  I think this would be going better if she hadn't burned me so bad before.  Every day I hope that things will get back to the way they were for me (mentally and in terms of attraction), but it just isn't happening so far.  Maybe I just need to give this time to develop into whatever it's going to be.  *shrugs* 
• Romantic Life 2 - Maggie, on the other hand, is a very casual interest.  She has been a lot of fun hanging out with, and demands very little.  I'm not sure this is a healthy type of relationship to have, but I think that I shouldn't be afraid to try something new while Jenny is unwilling to commit to anything significant.  We'll see how things develop, I guess.
• Work life - I've been put in charge of purchasing, receiving, quality, and transfers at three different warehouses on our client site.  I've been working hard scoping the project, and now I'm beginning training with the clients.  The programming phase will be coming up too, and I can't wait for it!  A big step up in responsibility might signal a raise/promotion for me if I can follow through with this.  We'll see how things go.
• Other life - I haven't really had one.  I've spent so much energy chasing women and working that I haven't had a second to breathe (or blog).  Nothing is ever easy, I guess.  Also, video games are pissing me off.  If League of Legends continues to disappoint me, I'm going to uninstall and pick up the guitar again.

I did spend some time sightseeing around California a couple of weekends ago, and that was pretty fun.  I saw the Jelly Belly factory in Fairfield, CA.  They have Jelly Belly artwork all over the place and a gigantic tasting area.  Nom!  I also toured Alcatraz and walked along the Golden Gate Bridge.  My friend Toni generously hosted me during my touristy time.  Big thanks to her for putting up with my crap for three days.  :)

In other news, I'm distraught that the Packers beat the Bears for the NFC championship.  I have been a Bears fan since I was big enough to own my first football....game.  Worst of all, my friend Shaun is a big Packers fan, so I have to put up with his gloating for at least a whole year.  =/

Well, that's all the catching up I can stomach.  I'll bring you some more specific and entertaining posts here soon.  I just wanted to lay the foundation for this next chapter.  Hopefully there aren't any more pauses for jager and tears (metaphorical - I cry less than Chuck Norris).